What I miss from Istanbul.

At the moment of writing this, I'm listening to one of the soundtrack of Room (2015) by Stephen Rennicks. And I guess that's why I feel a bit nostalgic.

The Goodbye.

It was late August 2019 when I eventually said goodbye to Istanbul and headed to the airport for the very last time, carrying anything from the last 5 years that I could squeeze in my luggage and backpack.

A farewell is never easy.

Even when I had a couple of extra months to slowly parting with the memories of my growth in my second home, even when I had been telling myself it's time, it still felt like saying goodbye to a huge part of my identity.

Throughout the 18-hours of flying back to Jakarta, my head was filled with the memories of the people, the streets, the noise, as well as the realization about the uncertainty of ever going back to the city and enjoy its heavenly beautiful dusk sky.

What if I'd never come back?

The thought gave me goosebumps.

It still does.

But there was also the excitement to move on to the next chapter of my life. The excitement to finally meet my family after 3 long years, to see my sister who was only two the last time I hugged her, and the excitement of stepping into the realm of professionalism.

Just like going down on a huge water slide, everything was scary but exciting at the same time.

The Hello.

I moved to Istanbul to pursue a bachelor's degree after being granted a full-ride scholarship from the Turkish government. (The journey has the story of its own, maybe we'll come to that later.)

It was on September 17, 2014, when our plane landed in Istanbul's Atatürk International Airport. I was only 17 and didn't know what lay ahead.

I came from a small town so everything about a big city excited me to the point of not having any clue what to expect (I know that doesn't make any sense).

To be honest, I didn't know ANYTHING about Turkey or Istanbul when I first came, except that the country has a Palestine supporting president and lies in both Europe and Asia.

Applying for the scholarship was completely gut-driven. I was only interested in the scholarship that covers everything from tuition fees and accommodation to health insurance and monthly stipends. My family was having a hard blow at that time, so I was all into free education.

I guess my cluelessness was for the better. Because the days that followed were sort of marching boxes of surprises.

I didn't know that Turkey has four seasons (which was dumb because Turkey is partly located in Europe), so I was thrilled to watch the trees turning orange and yellow and went CRAZY when the first snow was falling.

I didn't know that there are so many Indonesian students who'd settled in the city before us, so I was also thrilled to see such familiar faces speaking a familiar language who's committed to helping us the jet-lagged newcomers.

But it was also for the worst because we--me and my friends--didn't know the natives know very little to zero English, so asking directions involved quite a hustle with Google Translate, waving hands, and repeated words.

Everything else was good, really. Though we kept grumbling once or twice, we got over them eventually.

I remember the smell of our temporary dorm and the strange neighborhood. We didn't go out much on our first day, only to the nearby store to buy water and some bathroom supplies. We tried our first çorba (Turkish soup) later that evening, accompanied by the first senior to meet us, Teh Nabilah. I don't remember which kind that was but I do remember the bizarre taste that tingled my taste-bud.

I remember the bus ride to Kadıköy, a prominent neighborhood of the Anatolian side of Istanbul where one of the city's ferry quays is. The ride felt like going on for hours when really, it was only about 30 minutes, tops. That happens when you're unfamiliar with the road.

I remember our first tavuk döner and first ferry ride crossing Bosphorus to the European side.

I remember seeing the famous gate of my university and felt like I was dreaming. I remember the first visit to the Blue Mosque, Hagia Sophia, Topkapı Sarayı, Üsküdar, Dolmabahçe, Taksim, Eminönü, and other beautiful places around the incredible city.

I miss every inch of them terribly.

Everything in between.

I lived in Istanbul for five years, barely a quarter of my entire 22 years of life (as per 2019). But somehow, I felt more familiar with the streets and atmosphere of Istanbul.

I grew up in a strict and conservative family that didn't tolerate total freedom for their children. I had never traveled far without any of my family members. Never been to any field trip because there must be one thing or another that prevented me from going. No phone except on holidays when I had to use mom's which was frequently controlled. And of course, no boyfriends.

So moving out to Istanbul was the first time of my life when I gained complete freedom over everything that I do. I could befriend anyone, go anywhere, and chat with anyone without supervision. I was 17 and on the loose.

Luckily, mom and dad never stopped praying for my safety and well-being. The only time I left their sides was when I stayed in my school dorm, a 10-minute drive from our front door. So my leaving to Istanbul was sort of a nightmare they had to live and praying hard was one of their ways to cope.

Their prayers eliminated the distance and brought us close to each other. I felt their presence even though they were 9,000 kilometers away from my sight. I could see their anxious faces in my head and the look of disapproval every time I acted with a lack of judgment. It's amazing what prayers could do.

I crossed their boundaries, sure. Having a boyfriend and all. However, the broken heart that soon followed was meant to teach me lessons. The way Mark Manson put it; "I credit it with inspiring a significant amount of personal growth. I learned more from that single problem than dozens of my successes combined."

For 17 long years, I was protected from the evil part of myself. And destiny put me face to face with it as soon as I set my foot in the airport.

I still can't thank God enough for my luck; that He didn't throw me to the pit to face myself empty-handed. He sent me companions, people who were always there to pick me up when I fell down too deep into the hole. He graced me with epiphanies and realizations that helped me grow into a better person.

All of my mistakes shaped me into a better friend, a better sister, and a better daughter. 5 years later, I was born anew. Istanbul was like a cocoon that transformed me.

Every person that I met, every experience that I had, every ups and downs that I lived taught me what to be or not to be. What to do and not to do.

And on top of them all, I learned to love better.

I learned to love my family more, to respect my parents' decisions, and accept their imperfections.

I learned to love my friends more, to appreciate their compassion, and value every second we spent together.

Most importantly, I learned to love myself better. To realize that there will always be a million reasons to love her.

I credit my growth to my dad, mom, and my three little siblings who had always motivated me to do and become better.

To every single amazing soul whose face will appear before the screen who had supported me and took part in my journey.

To Özkök family who accepted me like their own. I pray for their health and countless blessings and may Allah reunite us soon.

To the streets of Üsküdar, Ümraniye, Avcılar, Fatih, Taksim, Osmanbey, Sariyer, Avcılar, Küçükçekmece, Büyükçekmece, Kartal, Pendik, Adalar, and the rest.

To the discussions I had in the classrooms of Istanbul Üniversitesi İletişim Fakültesi; the parks; the metros; the otobüses; IKEA restaurants, Simit Sarayı, Moda, Starbucks, Tavuk Dünyası, as well as the food courts of Can Park, Axis Istanbul, Istanbul Forum, Marmara Park, Cevahir, Özdilek, Kanyon, Tepe Nautilus, Marmara Forum, and the rest of the malls.

To every member of Ümraniyeler, Istanbul Community, PPI Istanbul, KJRI Istanbul, PPI Turki, Radio PPI Turki, Majalah Konstantinesia, and the rest that I may have forgotten to mention.

To every friendly stranger who helped me to find the correct direction or prepared the best köfte/şiş kebap/dürüm/pide/lahmacun.

To my college crush who remains mysterious.

And last but not the least, to Coldplay, Jason Mraz, Sleeping At Last, Tori Kelly, Hans Zimmer, Stephen Rennicks, Christopher Nolan, Game of Thrones, House MD, and every countless song/film-tv series/or famous person who had inspired me and accompanied my fights.

Thank you.

Thank you, Allah.

Thank you, world.

Thank you, Istanbul.

See you again soon.

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Photo gallery

PS: The photos are not in chronological order.

(Me, Aini, and Rizki) Less than 12 hours after arrival. Was taken in front of our temporary dorm.

Our first visit to Hagia Sophia. We met a friendly teyze and took a picture. We didn't even understand each other well.

(Putri, Aini, me, Rizki, and Nyakti) Our first Eid Qurban at the Indonesian Consulate General in Istanbul.

Our first snow in 2014. It was such a magical experience to watch the white things falling.

One of our Turkish course teacher, Damla Hoca.

Having lunch together before Ramadhan. (2015)

Last day of class with Sena Hoca.

After a discussion program with PPI Istanbul at TÜGVA who had the coolest public study room with free coffee and hot chocolate. I joined PPI Istanbul in December 2014 and became one of the active members until December 2018. This organization allowed me to meet a bunch of amazing individuals that inspired me to move forward.

Posing before Medusa's upside down head in Basicilica Cistern in 2017 with the sweet girls from Indonesia, and Brunei.

After our performance at a diplomatic reception. It was my first time performing Saman dance. (2017)

With my foreign friends from Cambodia and the Balkans at the graduation ceremony of Türkiye Scholarships. We were only attendees.

With Teteh and Kak Dinda before trying Korean dishes at one of the well-known Korean restaurant in Istanbul

It was either summer 2017 or 2018 when Mami Sofi (second from left) invited me to come to Trabzon with her. It was a wonderful short get away when we met new friends. Mami Sofi was our mother figure in Istanbul. She taught us a lot of things about which parts of life to value more.

With Natul and Sonya on a cold day of winter. A couple of weeks after I raptured my left foot. (Yes, the ankle boots were a torture)

It was the best fall when we spent hours taking pictures and talking at Ataürk Arboretumu in Sariyer, Istanbul. A must visit destination during fall and heavy winter days.

The best team of board of members of PPI Istanbul I'd been a part in. Because I wasn't the team leader and my spirit hadn't broken.

Our first meeting as the Executive Board of Members of PPI Istanbul 2017-2018. It wasn't a strange thing that I was the only girl in the table.It was a tough year but we helped each other through.

Eid open house at the Indonesian Consulate General in Istanbul.

PPI Istanbul played a major role in my self-betterment. I met a variety of different people that taught me lessons more than I could count. They're the ones who made the big city more homey and familiar.

The special ones.

A special breakfast with my best friend from Lebanon, Nour. And no, we couldn't finish our bowl. Nour is my roommate for 2 years, we were really close. It was rather hard to meet after we moved to different dorms but we would try to make some time to catch up.

Me and Teh Nabilah, a sort of guardian angel sent from above. The answer of my parents' prayers to keep me safe from my own self. I don't know how lost I'd be if she wasn't there to guide me along the way. She wasn't just a mentor, she was (still is) a good friend and an older sister with whom I could talk about spiritual development to foods or new year discounts.

When I first met Rafida or "Cay", she seemed to me as an over friendly, super kind, but hard to read person. But then we got closer and I could witness her transformation from a tomboyish girl to a mature and insightful young lady. She'd be that cool aunty who makes children take their lego project seriously.

See if you could point out our transformation from our first year.

(Nyakti, Aini, me, and Dien) In this picture, each of us posing with our greatest achievements so far. We came together in 2014, three of us graduated and Aini became a wonderful mother to a lovely child whose laugh became a stress reliever that we'd wait to see every weekend. We witnessed each other's growth and be each other's support system.

Mbak Sha and Me after 2 years apart. She was on her way to Portugal to continue her study and made the time to drop by to Istanbul to meet me and dozens of midye.

I met Mbak Sha in 2015 and we immediately clicked with each other. She was my first photography mentor and with whom I share a lot of in commons. Had Hogwarts is a real school, we'd both be the couple of close friends to break the stereotypes between Slytherin-Gryffindor.

With Kak Dinda whose family are the kindest I've ever met. Who let me stay (read: freeload) at her lovely home in Kartal for 2 months before I leave Istanbul for good. I'm still in debt of her and her family's generosity. Salma (wearing sunglasses) and Putri were two of the most wonderful friends I could ever ask for. They accompanied me enjoying Istanbul while slowly bidding farewell to it. I think this is the only occasion when we took a pic of the four of us. We weren't perfect but we were happy.

There are thousands of other photos to attach featuring other individuals who played a role in my 5 years story in Istanbul. I apologize if you didn't find your photo here but that doesn't mean I forgot you and your kindness.

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