Dreaming

1/16/2020

- We Were Legends, Maree Docia

"What is your dream?"

The question isn't as easy to answer as it was 5 to 10 years ago.

When I was in elementary school some adults especially my teachers would ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", and in my little head I thought that they asked about the occupation they'd like me to have so I'd respond with "A doctor" then "A teacher, because I want to be like my mom". I remember feeling very optimistic and proud of myself back then. An optimistic 9 year-old.

In junior high school, I decided to be more specific.

Becoming a teacher was still pretty much my life goal but I put some details after seeing many of my teachers who graduated from the notable university in Cairo, Egypt. So at the age of 13 I said, "I want to learn Arabic at Al-Azhar University, return to Indonesia, and teach". Still with teaching, the dream I had the longest among any other dream I chose before.

Fast forward to the age of 16

In the final days of high school in 2014, I was given two options. Well, actually one, if you ask my dad, but I remained persistent on holding onto the dream I had for years and presented it to my dad as the second option. It needed some crying, reassuring my dad how I tried my everything to make sure my grades were at their best so any efforts that soon followed wouldn't go to waste, sleepless nights, and 2 round-trips to the country's capital city until I was so close to get to the first step of my dream.

That same year, I got accepted to Al-Azhar University, along with my 3 friends. But the thing was, the dream of roaming around the halls of Al-Azhar had started to fade away. I was on my way to receive the Letter of Acceptance to Istanbul University in Istanbul, Turkey, along with the full-ride scholarship from the Turkish government that came with it.

What's with the sudden change? It was certain that I was invited to attend university in Turkey with a full scholarship while I still had things to figure out with Egypt. So, without doubt, I chose the first one. I didn't mind if I had to change the course of my dreams. In fact, dreaming didn't really occupy most of my head since the LOA got to the top of my email inbox. I was too busy getting anxious and doing anything I could to get all of the required documents, submitted to the Turkish Embassy, and prayed hard so everything went well.

And it did. I set my first step in Istanbul in September 2014 and started a new life, ready for new dreams.

Image source: Unsplash

Fast forward to 2022. 8 years later.

After a long time, the same question reappeared, greeting me like an old friend. I just can't see it as a friendly one.

And how do I respond to it now?

It's funny how I'm at the age when I know the most than I've ever been in my life but for that very question, I have no idea how to respond. I'm entering my mid-20's and I have never imagined that everything could be this confusing.

Even 'confusing' is an understatement.

This life I have now was never on any of my high school and college journals. It's like an uncharted zone. I find many different paths as I continue walking and since I don't know where to go, choosing to stay on track or going to one of those paths is always agonizing. Where should I go? What should I do? Is this what they call a quarter-life crisis?

It's not that I don't have anything on my bucket list. I have a lot. But I think what I want to know more is the bigger picture of a life I desire.

I want to continue my study and pursue a Master and doctoral degree. I want to travel the world, meet new people, learn new languages, improve my photography skills, and probably try to write a book.

I want to be a filial daughter, a good sister who's always there for her baby brothers and sister, buy a house, have my own charcoal grey car, and take my family to a road trip we never had.

And I want to find love. Someone who'd know how to read me when I couldn't find any word to fit my emotions and dark clouds. But then what?

I have them all inside my head but the last question always strikes me. Fast, like a bullet. And it's not even the biggest one. It comes right after, always ready to tear me into pieces; How do you think you can get there?

The hows are always the toughest. Always get me into restless nights, feeling like the most pathetic creature on Earth. Irrelevant.

Image source: Unsplash

But let me take to you another time-jump. The last one for this already-long narrative, and also the shortest.

Fast forward to now, 20.30 pm on a normal Sunday night.

I gave it about a day from the last anxious thoughts I had about the buts and hows. Now, I want to declare a truce to such thoughts for I had finally found my answer. At least I'm trying to tell myself that I did.

Yesterday, I told my best friend about my worries, about the I-don't-knows that have been storming my brain with full force. We're the same age and although I think she has everything figured out, I'm sure that she's also have a lot in her mind. She tried to console me, but being able to pour out some of the heavy loads to someone I can trust is more than enough.

So, what's different about today? What's the answer that's finally able to put my mind to its little rest?

I ran my eyes through the things I want one by one. Travelling abroad, being the best in whatever I do, taking care of my family, and find a love, have one thing in common. Though I need to work on figuring out the specifics, it's enough now that I know I want all of them--every single one of them--because I want to be happy.

I know it's a given. Nobody wants other things than being happy. We wanted happiness since the early days of our life. But for me it's different now because I decided that I want to be happy not after I reach a certain peak and having done great things according to the social standards. I want to be happy for my life and just feel enough for everything.

I want to feel happy and enough after checking out an item or two from my online shopping basket.

I want to feel happy and enough after telling my mom that my skin gets better after using the skin care products she bought us.

I want to feel happy and enough after talking with my dad about cars we see on the streets.

I want to feel happy and enough after seeing my sister laughing with her friends or talking about her day at school.

I want to feel happy and enough after knowing that my brothers are healthy and doing well.

I want to feel happy and enough for every sweet quotes and stories and songs I find.

I want to feel happy for the wind, or the morning sun, or the rains, or the stars, or the limitless sky.

I want to feel happy and enough for every single thing. Visible or invisible.

I want to be happy so I could be happier.

I was busy thinking about the things that could make me feel happy and fulfilled I forgot that I could save more time and have less excruciating thoughts by taking the short cut and take the happiness to me.

I thought I could never have enough time to get where I want to be. But now that I see it, I am actually already there. I'm where I want to be.

So, there it is. I may not be productive with my reading list and house chores this weekend. But at least I found this. Another point to my growth, I hope.

I still need time to get used to it. I can see some future struggle(s) but I'm sure as life progresses, I'll be fine. And when God thinks I'm ready for the next level of happiness, He'll add another scoop to my cone and I'll be thankful like I've always been. I'll be happier.

❤️

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